How I found gratitude on my own

Looking through my old photos to find the herring I wrote about in my last post, brought a lot of memories to the surface. Every picture triggered a story I wanted to share with you. Remembering the fun times I had was enough, but sometimes these stories had a point to make too.

This simple photo of a coffee was one of these.

The morning after the first time I got high, I went to a cafe near Amsterdam Centraal. I had made the classic rookie mistake of taking too much at the start and ending up super stoned, but in my defence, I waited nearly 2 hrs after eating my space cake with zero effect. They recommend waiting 30 minutes, so you can't question my patience.

My high was as fun as I'd hoped it would be, at least what I remember of it, but I was alone, and I'll admit, felt a bit like a loser for it... Thankfully being stoned makes that easier to deal with.

The night before, wandering Haarlemmerstraat, trying to work up the nerve to go into a coffeeshop and buy a brownie, was the first time that I really felt like I was missing out on some unique experiences by travelling solo. Sure, I'd wanted company before then - by that time I'd been abroad a little over a month - and I missed the friends and family I'd left behind, but I really relished the challenge of backpacking alone too. No compromises, no quarrels, total freedom.

What also comes with that is no assistance or support. There's no one to brainstorm ideas of what to do next, or to sound off feelings about where you want to go and how. There's no corroboration or collaboration to validate that the choices made are the right ones. I find it so much easier to be calm when I'm with calm people, because I reflect their mood, and in turn they absorb my zen. Without that, I internalise, mull, and stew over the smallest details, which leads to anxiety and indecision. I can freeze on the spot in the middle of a crowded street, not sure whether to turn left or right, and terrified about the consequences of either, completely aware that the decision I have to make is not at all as apocalyptic as it feels.

When I'm by myself, there's no shared laughter when things get a bit ridiculous. And I realised, as I entered a dim smokey coffeeshop on my own and pointed at a herbal cupcake for one, that I really wanted a friend or two at that very moment, to giggle about how silly the whole situation was. (My journal later reads in shaky handwriting, "There are actual Jamaicans in here!")

Still, there's something to be said for letting the situation dictate the proceedings. Just as you cannot walk through an ocean, the environment does have a fair bit of control over the journey you take. When push comes to shove, you just have to work with what you've got. Go build a boat. Go enjoy the water and swim. What you shouldn't do is stand on the beach and get frustrated. There's no doubt some things are more fun to do with company, but if you simply don't have something you want, instead of moping about it, or willing it to appear by constantly wanting it more, it's far better (and in the long run, actually easier) to accept things for what they are, pick yourself up, and keep plodding on.

I have since surprised myself by learning that I can be extremely easygoing on the road. (I still make plans, and I'm slightly more neurotic about those plans when I'm by myself than when I'm with friends, but I also like to follow my nose and not have to consult anyone about making sudden detours.) I have also proven myself that I can make friends out of strangers - not just random people to share space with and help me disappear into crowds, but really good friends; souls who I probably wouldn't have met if I hadn't dared to venture outside without a social condom to protect me.

So that's the "never say no" and "live life to the max" and "go single girl solo travel power" part of this post. But I've kind of always been into that. What is it about getting away that has such a hold on me? And when am I going to get to the point of that coffee photo?

Mostly, I think what I always savour by travelling alone is the mental relief that physical distance and solitude gives me from the pressure of expectations I feel when I'm home. Doesn't really matter how much of that stress is real, imagined or projected, because I suffer it all in the same way. And until I learn to let go and find space from it internally and figuratively, finding literal space helps a great deal. I have a slight hang up about whether this is a cowardly form of escape... But deep down, I firmly and truly believe it is a healthy thing to do - to separate, detox from distractions and routines, refocus, and pay attention to the immediate surrounds and the present moment.

Going to that cafe the morning after the night before, took some time. I'm slow first thing, especially when I have to make choices and plans by myself. I was further hampered by what was either a pot hangover, extreme sleep deprivation, or both. But I finally made it out to that cafe, which I remember searching for specifically, for reasons I can't recall; perhaps good reviews on TripAdvisor. Cosmic irony stepped in to ensure that the cafe was severely understaffed, so on top of all of my own self-imposed delays, I waited a really long time for my coffee.

What struck me was that I really wasn't fussed by the wait. I empathised with the barista who apologised to me for the inconvenience while she rushed about like a headless chicken - I noticed this because normally I'd only be thinking about myself, and feeling critical and judgmental.

Not that morning. Instead I sat quietly at the scrubbed wooden table, my journal untouched, and stared mesmerised at the warm amber hue of the sunlight as it slanted across the tabletop, like transparent gold. It occurred to me how beautiful mid-morning sunshine is, and how I never noticed it before the way I seemed to be noticing it now.

I briefly wondered if I was still high, because I was really transfixed by that sight. Then I realised it didn't matter. I felt really happy. I'd had an amazing night, one of those first-in-a-lifetime type of experiences. I hadn't waited for anyone to give me permission to do it, or to babysit me through it. It was a night I would always remember - me, the straight laced, straight A's, rule follower, spacing out in the lobby of a Dutch youth hostel. Then, because of how light and liberated and joyous I felt, I would always remember that following morning too.

I almost couldn't believe it. Look at where I was! I was in the Netherlands! A whole world away from home where I'd been sheltered for 20 years. All the doomsday warnings I've been given about being a female backpacking around Europe alone were proven to be wrong, because I was totally, utterly, blissfully okay. I had coffee (eventually), sunshine, and myself. And it hit me - that's all I needed. Suddenly the many years of exams and grades and good behaviour I'd spent so much time and energy stressing about seemed not only pointless and petty, but stupid and wasteful. Where had I been all this time? Had I even been living all these years?

My time was running out in Amsterdam, and this was the point when I usually began to make lists of things to see and do, and weigh up the things I could tick off against the things I would miss, followed by estimations of how great my traveller's remorse might be. Exhausting, right? That's just how my brain operates. But instead of running through all the sights and activities offered by that great city in my mind, my thoughts wandered back home, to Sydney and university and jobs and family and so on, and what I would do with myself when my holiday was over. The thought of it made me feel queasy, and distracted. Suddenly, I really couldn't be arsed worrying. It wasn't relevant to what I was doing right then and there. I deserved my break. I would worry about my career in the all-too-near future. The present moment had no room for worry. Neither my family nor my college education had a place in that cafe with me. To continue the metaphor: I was not going to force myself to walk through the ocean to reach an impossible horizon. I wanted no boat. I wanted to swim in the water and feel the waves against my skin and soak my hair and laugh, just floating and bobbing about, and enjoying the sea.

It occurred to me that this was gratitude. I was, for the first time ever, 100% genuinely grateful: for all I had, for all I was, for all I'd done, for all I'd been given and was a part of. I was grateful for the waitress for running around to give me coffee. I was grateful for the sun for shining when it could have rained. I was grateful for my holiday for giving me time to linger over that morning. I was grateful for the edibles I'd had the night before which brought me to a state of heavenly relaxation. I was grateful for myself for being there, and having this beautiful moment all to myself. I didn't know gratitude was something you could discover, but there I was, discovering it - and according to recent blogs and articles espousing the latest mental health crazes, gratitude is "so in" right now. However I was a few years ahead of the fad, and I'm proud of it.

Gratitude is no joke, people. It is the real deal and if you discover it, I hope you experience the same joy and cathartic calm I did. If you haven't yet, be patient and it will come. For me, all it took was a cup of coffee, and a bit of sunshine.

Have a great weekend everyone. I'm thinking of you and wishing you peace. Love Bernie x

TGIF!

If you haven't already heard, it's been raining cats and dogs here in Sydney and across the greater state. It's been all flash floods and gale force winds and power outages and even, sadly, fatalities.

Today we saw the first bit of sunshine we've seen all week, so I thought I'd take a moment to celebrate the beginning of the weekend and enjoy the small pleasures of life at home. Normality is underrated!

I really like the look of my family's coffee table right now - it reveals a bit of insight into how we like to unwind in the evenings after dinner. It's peaceful and calm and comforting to share quiet telly time together in the living room.

Tea, yarn, roses, and tasty morsels to schnickety-snack on... everything a person needs to relax.

Did I mention I have a lot of yarn-fans in my life? My sister is one of them and she's constantly working on some knitting project. There's always lots of patterns and needles and baskets of multicoloured balls of wool and cotton lying around. My friend M recently got me into basic crochet too, which I've been doing off and on (currently on), leaving me with a bunch of practice squares.

I'm trying to look past my perfectionism and actually use them, rather let them go to waste lying useless in the bottom of a bag in a dusty corner somewhere. They're lumpy and imperfect, but my sister insists there's an element of charm in that! Right now they're doing well as coasters and place mats to protect our wooden surfaces.

My thoughtful mother also often dots the house with beautiful flowers that she clips from her garden. They brighten up the place fabulously - very important in dark, dreary weeks like this one has been!

This tiny vase is so cute! I found the glass jar a few months ago when I was working in the Aussie bush, and I loved it so much I dug it up and took it home. The rosemary, from our own herb pots, was leftover from a roast veg dish - perfect for makeshift leaves, and deliciously smelly.

Anyway, it cheers me up. And it's so simple! smile emoticon What's putting a smile on your face this thankful Friday?

By the way, if you were wondering, my head torch is there because I use it to help me see my stitches at night when I'm working with very dark yarn. I look like a total dork wearing it, but I'm not crocheting to impress!

The little ziplock bag of coloured squares are miniature tasting blocks of chocolate (did I mention I'm a chocolate fanatic?) that I got from ... but I'll save that story for next time. wink emoticon

Happy weekend folks!

This week I smiled because

Of all the children! grin emoticon

I've been staying with my cousins in Melbourne for the past couple of weeks, and seriously, their kids are funny!

For example:

Me: Your other Aunties are coming to visit you tomorrow.
Bob the builder: Are they your sisters?
Me: Yep!
Bob the builder: So do you know them?
Me: ... yes ...

There was this gem the other day when I was playing hairdresser:

G-Girl: What's taking so lo-ooong?
Me: Sorry honey, I'm a bit slow. I guess I'm not as good at doing your hair as Mummy is.
G-Girl: Yeah, Mummy's way better.

Then to tip the cuteness scales, Mr Incredible replaces his r's with l's, so he often says things like "this is velly good!" and "that's my flavourite!"

And recently:

G-Girl: We built a Kids Club! Wanna see?
Me: I'd love to! But you have to make me a Visitor's Badge so I can get in.
G-Girl: Why?
Me: Because I'm not a kid!
G-Girl: No, silly, I meant it's a Kids and Adult Ladies Club.
Me: Oh I see. So that means all the kids and adult ladies can go in.
G-Girl: Yep.
Me: So the only person who can't go in ... is Daddy.
G-Girl: ... Yep!

(The following day, she made him a special access card.)

Here in The Menagerie, life is carefree and easygoing. There's nothing quite like vaulting over plastic hammers and Lego pieces on the way to the toilet, or constantly losing UNO games, or pretending to be the Hulk and chasing the twins when they don't go to bed on time. Also, Mr Incredible keeps getting crazy frog stuck in my head.

It's not only that they cheer me up with their wonderfully good looks, and their adorable plush toy voices, and the beautiful way everything about them is so tiny and squishy. They are genuinely positive and happy children. In fact, their entire family is. Their influence is therapeutic and velly healing. Outside it might be more chaotic, with the thundering of small feet down the hallways and raucous laughter echoing around the house, but inside, it's blessedly calmer and more peaceful. Lately I've been less worried in general, and more engaged in the present - and that's always a good thing.

Picking fat olives from the trees in the backyard.

Poking around in La La Falls near Warburton after a lovely walk through the rainforest.

13 year old Beno took this photo of a mushroom growing out of a log. Quite a talent!

It only takes a smile...

In preparation for my trip to Southeast Asia, I've been reading the Lonely Planet. I don't tend to overplan my holidays or rely solely on guides, but I find them a good starting point when I'm feeling overwhelmed by all my travel options, not to mention a great source of inspiration.

The other day I read a testimonial by one of the contributors saying that one of the things she loves about Asia is the friendliness and the generosity of all the people she met, regardless of whether they were locals or fellow tourists.

It made me think of what I have loved most about my experiences overseas so far, and I realised I'd have to agree with her wholeheartedly. Sure, the food always a huge thrill to me - I get a big kick out of trying the local cuisine and it's always a highlight (sometimes the goal) of my trip. The beauty of the landscape and the natural environment is also another major plus that I hang on to afterwards - how could I not, when every continent has its own unique character?

But by far, the kindness of strangers and the fun of making new friends sits at the top of the list of highlights for me. Before stepping foot in Europe, I was pretty worried about the possibility of becoming lonely - in a big unfamiliar place by myself, not knowing who to trust, would I alienate myself? Would I come across as unapproachable, or fail to engage if people did try to connect?

Very quickly my anxieties faded away as I realised how easy it is to meet people while travelling. Whether it's a super nice roommate in a hostel, or a friendly couple sitting at the table next to you in a restaurant, or a chatty ticket handler at the museum - travelling brings people together. Fellow tourists are just as keen as you are to make connections, and they're up for anything. Locals hear your accent and ask you where you're from, want to show off their hometown.

Without even trying I found myself chatting away with randoms in Paris, Berlin, Amsterdam, Barcelona. It was a very pleasant and welcome surprise! Sometimes if we got along really well, we forged deeper memories together, going on walking tours, visiting the beach, shopping, sightseeing, drinking. But even if we didn't, I still got a huge sense of the warm and fuzzies every time I got an unexpected smile from a stranger, and something about it alleviated my social fears. Each and every positive encounter I had boosted my spirits, no matter how brief it was. It helped me reach out to the citizens of whatever city or town I was visiting, and also to be more open to them reaching out to me, even to welcome me. It's a nice feeling, right?

And that's the beauty of travelling - it's more than just seeing a new place. It's about putting myself in the shoes of someone else from another culture, and being a part of their community, even if only for a little while.

It's fascinating thinking about how a physical space can shape the lives and mentalities of the people who occupy it - and I'm certainly not talking about deep philosophical reflections here. I'm just talking about the subconscious appreciation travelling gives me - appreciation for all the countless things in the world I haven't experienced yet, and the little kudos I can't help feeling because I had the courage to seek new experiences while others either can't or won't. Most importantly, it gives me an appreciation for all the things I left behind back home and never noticed before.

The perspective and the gratitude it gives me is so much more worthwhile than that great wine I had or how pretty that building was (though those things are rather awesome too).

Have you had similar experiences meeting new people on holiday? What does it give you? I'd love to hear your stories, please share below. smile emoticon

Back from the dead

I feel like I'm going to be one of those bloggers who constantly apologises for late posts!

I'm a perfectionist, a procrastinator, and I feel like I'm never home. Doesn't help with the regular posting business, does it?

I think the solution to my blogging tardiness is also the solution to my life: to stick a Post-It on my forehead that says "Stop Worrying" - preferably backwards so I can read it in the mirror when I look at myself!

So before I can overthink even this very post I'm typing right now, I'm just going to bring Vacuuming On Holiday back from the dead right now and update you on what's been happening!

Firstly, I was very kindly nominated for the Harmony & Peace Award by my favourite and most inspirational pow-wow blogging pair, Michelle and Anne over at Crochet Between Worlds. This happened way back in December last year! How neglectful am I? What a way to thank them for their consideration! frown emoticon To be slightly fairer to myself, I did immediately draft - not one, but two - entries in response! So what happened to them? Well, the fact is I'm so new to this, I couldn't even name 7 blogs that I regularly read, let alone 7 blogs that fit the profile! I spent so long fussing over this task that I just never got around to actually doing it (story of my life). My goal for this week is to do justice to my Award, and get it and my nominees loudly and proudly posted up for all to see and share - so watch this space!

Secondly, I've recently returned from a mammoth non-stop 6 week jaunt in the Australian countryside working as an Ecologist! I'm very lucky I landed this job and I'm pretty thankful for all the cool, talented, amazing people I worked with and all the new things I learned. I handled beautiful and fascinating animals from lizards and snakes to birds to frogs to bats. I spent quiet moments in glorious ruby red sunsets admiring the unique outback landscape. I missed home and family and friends and the fun of the city, not to mention I was pretty exhausted by the end of it! But it was a memorable, rewarding, valuable experience, and I hope more like them come my way in future.

A cute little free-tailed bat I helped rescue - basically just another day at the office. This species Mormopterus is one of my personal favourites. I love the way they hide their eyes behind their ears!

Thirdly, after many fears about delaying my entry into full-time employment, I have decided to take the plunge and go on another long trip - this time to South East Asia! It's something I've always wanted to do, many years before I ever stepped foot in Europe. I've sought advice from everyone under the sun, and while opinions have at times been very divided, the general consensus - and what I've ultimately chosen to live by - is that now is the time to do it. Everything comes with a trade off. Maybe I will have to fight harder to land a good job when I come back. Maybe it won't come as easy for me as it would for someone who works straight after graduating from university. But it won't be impossible.

The thing with going on adventures is that afterwards life inevitably settles down. More importantly, I know I'll regret it if I don't travel now, before things like kids and bills and climbing up the career ladder become a terrible reality. Happiness happens in the present, not in the future.

Sawn Rocks, a beautiful feature of the Mount Kaputar National Park in northeast NSW, one of the places I visited while I was working out bush. The organ pipe-like rock columns were formed naturally, just by the way the lava cooled. I told you geology is awesome.

Anyway, wish me luck! I'm nervous but excited! I feel like the decision to travel and explore the world is a really relevant one for many people in their twentysomethings; it comes up constantly in conversation. It's a stage of life when everything seems ripe for the taking, and there's just not enough time or money to satisfy all the things we want to do. It's when we all want to start making a name for ourselves in our jobs and have really satisfying, fulfilling work. But we're also young, and fit, and our feet are itchy. And even though we know we're not old, we're also starting to look ahead to when we will be. What will we be doing with our lives when we're  in our 30s, 40s, 50s?  How do we reconcile all these desires with our responsibilities?

Do you know anyone who's had to make a big (and seemingly life-changing) decision like this before? Maybe you've had to make one yourself. Please share in the comments how you tackled it! I'd really love to hear from all of you.  

To end this on a lighter note, I dined at world famous Japanese Restaurant Tetsuya's back in December with acquaintance and travel journalist Paul Oswell from Shandy Pockets. I was very lucky to get the impromptu invitation, and didn't quite realise the enormity of the experience until I was already there! I mean, of course I'd heard of Tetsuya's, and I knew it was rather fancy, but I didn't know just how fancy. He and I were both rather unprepared and therefore pretty blown away by it all!

I was super chuffed to visit the shiny kitchens, which was impressively organised and controlled - not at all like the steamy, hot, noisy, chaotic back stage scenes of five star restaurants you see in movies. We even got to visit the cool and quiet dessert kitchen, where a lone pair of calm and collected pastry chefs prepared the many small pretty sweet things in peaceful solitude.

Tetsuya's behind the scenes - making marvellous delicious things.

Paul has finally released the review of our amazing degustation meal and fine dining experience, and you can check it out here.

That's it for now. Catch you again soon!

 

This week I smiled because

This week was a bit of a tricky one when it came to smiles, but discipline does pay off because I'm a pretty happy chappy this Sunday looking back on the week that was, ready to celebrate my wins where I can and not sweat the small stuff.

Monday: Had a check up with the doctor and everything is right as rain! Can't take good health for granted. (Remind me of this next time I skip the gym.)

Tuesday: All-day quality catch up time with my best friend P. Haven't seen her in literally years, and she is as beautiful, sweet, and inspirational as ever. I've always said the truest friends in our lives are the ones with whom time and distance does no damage - and this is certainly true of P.

Wednesday: Plumber emergency this morning to repair the broken tap that flooded the kitchen last night with hot water. Not so fun. But hey, the problem was fixed for good. And who doesn't love lifetime warranties? As stressful and tiring as it was cleaning up the mess, Mum and I laughed about it later.

Thursday: Enjoyed the rare experience of couch potato-ing with my sister who has this week off and was therefore was able to hang out on a school night!

Friday: Today ended up being Parents' Day as I did grocery shopping with Mum in the morning (my favourite kind of shopping) and had dinner with Dad in the evening. They shared some funny stories which gave me ideas for a writing project I've been stewing on for a while...

Saturday: Went to an AMAZING gig - at which I was fully prepared to dance all day and alone (while well lubricated, since, as we all know, that ensures the best moves are implemented on the floor) - but to my surprise, my gorgeous bestie D joined me at last minute, and her company simply added to the sheer delight that was hours of proper top quality house and techno spread across three stages, stretched out over a stunning day that melted from summer sun into musky dusk through to deep night. Pure magic.

But it didn't end there. Then, because I'm a very lucky girl, I also got to see my close friend J and a bunch of our lovely mutual friends at her well-earned graduation party.

Sunday: A totally indulgent and leisurely day with the two stooges who always make me laugh. Food, nails, massage, movie, walking in the sunshine, lounging on the couch, and a few D&Ms, made for a pretty much perfect day.

Overall, this was a week that topped the gratitude scales. I took on a few more responsibilities at home, learned how to ask for advice, and made role models out of my friends who are all manner of empowering traits combined. I'm quite honoured.  

 

The New Normal + Flashback Blogging

Hi all! It's been weeks since I've last posted. The reason for that is simple, and may I say, was totally predictable: I had no time to blog about my holiday while I was holidaying!

This blog post pretty well sums up my attitude to travel blogging, and I have learnt (read: am learning) not to worry too much about how I approach it, because everyone is different anyway.

I'm back home now in my beloved Sydney. Like a migratory bird, I've chased the sunshine, and summer here is proving to be another beautiful one. When my family picked me up from the airport, we made many jokes about how life is "baaaaack to normal!"

I've now got the opportunity to leisurely reflect on the four months that was. Flicking through thousands of photos, and pages and pages of my handwritten journals (see, I kept up to date with something!), I can't describe how bittersweet it is to know that it's all over. My precious memories are the key to reliving all the special moments - infinitely so, if I wish. Which is why I don't feel like my trip is something that's "ended". Now that I've had all these incredible experiences, they will stay with me forever, reminding me that life is never just "normal". So in a way, I'll always feel like I'm holiday!

With that in mind, I fully intend to treat you to some flashback blogging in the coming weeks, sharing with you the things that made me smile, laugh, or cry (embarrassingly often) while I traipsed around Europe.

Meanwhile, I won't forget that Sydney is a stunning holiday destination in its own right. Like most, I take it for granted because it's familiar to me, but I'm truly lucky to live in a city that tourists are vying to visit even for a day, and which sits arguably in the top ten of the list of world must-sees. From now on, I'll be more appreciative, something I had to cross the planet to learn. I really do think gratitude is the secret to happiness.

Enjoying the perfect Sydney Harbour on my first weekend back home: the Bridge, the Opera House, the brightly lit Lunar Park, even the ferries. That night, my siblings and I saw Sir David Attenborough speak live! Something to tick off my bucket list for sure.

How do you feel about your hometown? Are you indifferent, or do you adore it? What do you love, what do you hate? Please share below, I love comments!  

Bonus random trivia: Do you know which Aussie artist made an album of the same title as this blog post? Person with the first correct answer gets kudos.

Why Vacuuming On Holiday?

I got the idea for Vacuuming On Holiday when I was renting an apartment in Port Douglas, Australia with my friend P. We were on a one week holiday visiting Cairns, which has been on my bucket list for years. I was vacuuming up the place, and I thought how nice it was that P let me do my thing. I suppose cleaning on holiday would annoy other people, or amuse them at my expense. Holidays are about "relaxing", right?

I am a naturally anxious person. For me, vacuuming up of an evening was therapeutic, not stressful. The nicest thing was being able to be myself in that little apartment. But what I also liked about being on holiday was the chance to learn to relax in my own way, and to discover that if I believe in myself, things will turn out okay.

I deliberated over whether or not to start this blog for ages. Thanks to the support of friends, here I am, finally, blogging! However, this is not a "travel blog". I don't have amazing photos. I don't have many useful travel tips (in fact, I am a novice traveller). I'm not raising money for charity. I'm not trying to change the world, or your life, or even mine. I just want a place where I can collect all the special moments I've experienced on holiday, whether that has been on foreign soil, or in my home town.

I don't think we need to be far from what's familiar to feel like we're on holiday. What does being on holiday mean? For me, it's about being curious enough to try new things, and being grateful for what we have by gaining a fresh perspective of the world. I hope you enjoy what I have to share. Happy reading!

What are you grateful for? Try and go about your day today as though you are on holiday, and see what comes up. Also, I do love comments! Please share by posting below.